The Penis Game
by Olofa
Summary: Modern college AU. Whoever says "penis" the loudest in a public place wins. Elsa tries to shut up Anna and her friends, and winds up winning the game…and a date with Anna. Too bad her father, Senator Weselton, wouldn't approve. Some f-bombs, a p-bomb of course, and beginning elsanna.
1. The Penis Game

" **PENIS! Now shut up!"**

Elsa's voice struck the metal bookshelves and rang through the third floor of the university library. _Now maybe I can get some work done._ She had been trying to concentrate on her essay, but the gradually increasing sounds of

" _p'n's" — giggles — "p'nis" — giggles — "penis" — giggles — "Penis" — giggles and nervous laughter_

had been driving her to distraction. Now that she'd silenced her unseen irritants, she could get back to what was in front of her: hands on her laptop, notes on post-its in a grid to her right, binder of more notes to her left, reference books above the binder. She returned to work.

For about a minute.

"Um, hi. 'Scuse me. Hi. My name's Anna?" She pronounced it _Ah-na._ Elsa looked up at a nervously smiling red-haired girl in a baggy teal sweater that matched her eyes. "Hi."

Elsa wanted to snap at her, but she was too damned cute, and too damned nice. She dialled her mood back from _snarky_ to _coldly formal_. "Hi. Elsa."

"That was you, right? That I heard?" Elsa nodded. Anna looked for a chair. There wasn't one. Elsa had actually moved all the empty chairs to another table so she could have her space to herself. Anna hopped up on the table, sitting sideways to Elsa, her thigh just next to Elsa's post-its. "Anyway, I was playing this game with my friends Kris, Hank, and Olaf."

"The Penis Game. Yes. I could tell."

"Y'see, we take turns saying…"

" _Penis_ in a public place. And you have to say it louder than the last person."

"And whoever says it loudest…"

"Wins the game. Yes, Anna, I know how the Penis Game works. And now it's over and I can get back to work, right?"

"Sure, of course. But there's one other thing."

Elsa waited for her to go on, and thought, _Is she blushing?_

"The rules, the way we play, whoever wins…that is, whoever comes in second has to buy drinks for whoever wins. Anything they want."

"That's actually very interesting from a game theory perspective, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Well, I came in second."

"And?"

"And…" Anna shrugged. "You won. I owe you drinks."

Elsa noticed that her own hand was resting on top of her post-its, dangerously close to the warm curve of Anna's thigh. _Cute probably-straight girl wants to buy me drinks. Damn it._ "You don't owe me drinks. I wasn't really playing."

"Rules are rules."

"Like the rule against making noise in a library where people are trying to concentrate?" She smiled at Anna. She was, despite herself, starting to enjoy making her flustered.

"That's a school rule. The thing with the game, that's more about…honour."

"Honour?"

"Well, yeah. You bested me in fair combat, and I owe you a debt of honour." She bowed as formally as she could, sitting sideways on a table, her arms behind her making an A-frame with her back.

Elsa's smile started to thaw. "I suppose a drink couldn't hurt. Not that I could do any more work on this by now," she said, indicating her computer and notes. She had just started packing up when a security guard came up to her table. He was a big guy, with reddish-brown hair and beard. His name tag read, "W. Oaken."

"We've had a complaint about a girl shouting 'penis' in the Quiet Area," he said, in a Minnesota accent. "Geez, you can't be doing that here, eh? Either of yous know something about it?"

"It was me," said Anna. "I did it. I'm responsible."

He took out a clipboard. "Oh, that's a shame, eh? I'm gonna have to ask you to not come back to the library for a month. We got rules. Sorry."

Elsa stood up. "She said she was responsible, but she's not, really. She's irresponsible. It's not her fault."

"Oh, and you are?" asked Oaken.

"Elsa. Elsa Weselton. She just fell in with a bad crowd. But I've been talking to her, and she's very sorry, and it'll never happen again."

"Your last name's Weselton?" His brow furrowed. "Like that Senator Weselton?"

"Yes, my father and I do have the same last name." She smiled and patted his arm. "Now, we don't have to make a big deal about this, do we? She's very sorry." Elsa indicated Anna, who nodded, her eyes wide with innocence.

"And it won't happen again?" asked Oaken. Anna shook her head solemnly. "Well, I suppose it's not that big a deal. Just, yous behave yourselves." Elsa smiled reassuringly as Anna nodded again, and Oaken left them alone.

"Wow, Elsa, thanks for bailing me out there. I owe you. I guess I double-owe you, for this and the game."

"You were ready to take the fall for me," said Elsa as she finished packing up. "Only fair."

"And that bit about being a Senator's daughter, that was brilliant. I wasn't sure he was going to buy it." Anna watched Elsa's non-reaction. "That…you didn't make that up, did you." Elsa paused, shook her head briefly, and hoisted her backpack onto her back. "Oh."

* * *

They shared a small table, knees almost touching, in the campus coffee shop The Beanstalk.

"You know," said Anna, "I've never seen anyone eat a date square with a knife and fork. I mean, come on." She picked up her own and took a bite, catching most of the crumbs in her other hand. "They're delicious. Just dig in." Her soft pink tongue peeked out and licked the crumbs off her own palm.

Elsa hid her face behind her mug of coffee and took a sip. "It's just as delicious this way," she said, and took another morsel on her fork.

"No it isn't. That makes it taste like tidiness, and cutlery, and manners. It makes it all…tinny."

Elsa smiled, tilting her head a little. "Tinny?"

"You know what I mean." To Elsa's surprise, she did. "Now this." Anna took another bite, letting the crumbs fall to her plate this time. "This tastes like…"

In a bad Scottish accent, Elsa said, "…like freedom!"

Anna giggled, and so did Elsa. "You eat date squares fastidiously…"

Elsa raised an eyebrow. _Fastidiously?_

"…and when I said I was buying drinks you know I didn't mean coffee. For the woman who shouted 'Penis!' in a crowded library, you don't let go much."

"Not in public, anyway," said Elsa, half to herself. It was Anna's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Like it or not, I have to keep up appearances. That's why I'm going to college here. Dad's keeping me safely out of the way until he needs me on the podium." She mimed smiling and waving to supporters.

"Out of the way? Why Elsa, have you been a bad girl?" Anna smirked, then took a drink, leaving a line of foam across her upper lip.

"I, um…" Elsa wanted to reach out a finger and gently wipe the foam off that perfect lip. She wanted to lick the foam off her finger. She wanted to lick the foam off that lip. _Goddamnit straight girl, do you know what you're doing?_ "You've…kind of…got some foam there." Elsa pointed to her own lip. Anna wiped her mouth with her hand, licked it clean, and wiped her hand on her stretch jeans. "You missed a spot." Anna squeegee'd her lip with her finger. "You, um, still…" Anna leaned forward so she could reach. Elsa gently steadied her pale fingers against Anna's speckled cheek and erased the dab of cream with her thumb, then instantly dropped her hand to her lap and wrapped her thumb in her napkin.

Anna took another bite of date square. "Anyway, you were saying. You were a bad girl?"

"Yeah." Elsa wrapped her hands around her mug. "So, why do they call this place _The Beanstalk_?"

"Oh, that's easy. Coffee? Beanstalk? Coffee beans? The coffee-bean-stalk?"

"But coffee beans grow on bushes, not— "

"You are _not_ an arts major, are you. Anyway, nice try changing the topic, topic-changer girl. What did you do that made Senator Weasel— " Elsa glared at her. "That made your dad ship you off here?"

"I didn't do anything wrong, really."

Anna was suddenly serious. "Of course not. You wouldn't do that."

"I just went out with someone…inappropriate for a senator's daughter."

"Someone like me?"

Elsa froze, then remembered to close her mouth. "Um, like you in what way, exactly?"

"Testosterone-deficient? Non-manly? Not having a _penis_ ," she said, making a megaphone of her hands for the last word. Anna smiled at the flush rising in Elsa's cheeks.

"Oh fuck, you're not straight, are you."

"Definitely not straight, and 'oh fuck' isn't off the table either." Anna gave her a heavy-lidded smile, like Elsa was the last date square on the plate. "You seriously thought I was? Why?"

"One, how could I possibly be so lucky? For a certain value of 'lucky.' Two, playing the Penis Game with a bunch of guys? I figured you had to be with one of them."

Anna laughed. "Those guys? Kris and his roommate Sven are bros with benefits. Hans — sorry, 'Hank' — is effectively bi. He's money-and-power-sexual. And Olaf? You could label him as panromantic asexual, but basically he just likes warm hugs." She leaned forward. "So, Senator Dad isn't comfortable with you dating girls?"

Elsa paused. "Honestly, I don't know. It was all about how it'd look. He didn't want to lose the pro-gay-marriage mainstream _or_ alienate the gay-hating fringe, so he just wanted to avoid having to take a side publicly. He didn't disown me, but he didn't show any support either."

"Wow. That's…weird."

"And it didn't help that…well, her name was Jasmine."

"So?"

"A traditional Middle Eastern name? It didn't help that she wasn't practising, not that it should've mattered if she was, but nowadays muslim is the new black." Elsa scowled.

"Oh, wow. That sucks." Anna reached over to pat Elsa's hand, but she jerked it away. "Were you in love?"

"Yes. Maybe. I think so. I mean, it felt that way at the time, and the sex was… Anyway, sometimes I wonder if part of it was getting back at Dad. Not getting back at, exactly, maybe just pushing him to see me. Acknowledge who I am."

"Wow, that really sucks. I'm glad I come from honest working class stock myself."

Elsa stared into her mug, then looked up at her. "How did they take it?"

"Mom said she loved me, and she knew it must be hard, but don't tell Dad because he'd freak out. Dad said I was brave to tell him and he was proud of me, but don't tell Mom because it'd kill her."

Elsa chuckled. "And then you told them both?"

"First I spent a couple of dinners dropping hints and watching them squirm. _Then_ I let 'em off the hook."

Elsa grinned in admiration. "You brat!"

Anna shrugged. "So."

"So."

"You gonna invite me back to your room now?" said Anna, mock-casually.

"What!?"

"Oh. Sorry." Anna looked at the dregs of foam in her mug. "I, um, sometimes I'm a little… We had this flirty thing going on, and I know we just really met, and I don't know how long it's been since you and Jasmine, but it sounded pretty fresh, but when you were wiping the foam off my lip you were just so…tender…and I thought we had something going there. But that's okay. Not _okay_ -okay, but, you know, okay."

"It's, wow, no. No, Anna. It's not that." She put her hand on Anna's, then pulled it away and dropped it back to her lap. "You're very…" She took a deep breath, then blurted out, "You're very pretty, and I like you, and I am attracted to you." Another breath. "But the whole point of my being here is to stay off the radar. For Dad's sake. His career. What I feel, I can't let it show."

"Wow. That _is_ sad." Anna shook her head gently. "But we could hang out, right? As long as we don't make googly-eyes at each other?"

"Like you're doing right now?" Elsa smirked.

"Oh fuck, I totally need some dark glasses. But I like you. You're fun, for a tight-ass."

"And you're fun, for a…wild woman."

Anna chuckled. "I like that. We can be platonic heterosexual BFFs, right?"

Elsa tilted her head, resting her chin on her palm, looking at Anna. "I'd like that."

* * *

A week later, Elsa and Anna were headed to Elsa's home state. Her father was holding a press conference, and he wanted the cameras to see his family standing behind him.

"I can't believe you wanted to come," said Elsa as they arrived at the rented hall, already packed with press and supporters.

"I can't believe you sprang for airfare," replied Anna. As they pressed through the crowd they were shoulder-to-shoulder, the closest they had physically been in public. Even in private they hadn't gone beyond some passionate kisses at the end of their "study sessions." Elsa had been the good girl she always had to be, and Anna played along for her sake.

"Without you, I don't know how I'd be able to get through another one of these things."

"I'm here to keep you entertained, am I?" said Anna with an evil grin.

"Anna…"

"Okay. I promised I'd be on my best behaviour, and I will."

"No — " Elsa dropped to a whisper. " — _flirting?_ "

"None."

"No politics?"

"At a political thing? Why, heaven forfend!" Anna pretended to fan herself.

"No 'Penis Game'?"

Anna turned serious. "I swear. No 'P-word Game'. Promise."

Elsa's look of devotion broke through for a moment. "Thank you."

Anna almost said, _Although I'd totally win_ , but she saw the crease in Elsa's forehead and the too-tight smile, and simply nodded.

As they approached Elsa's parents, Anna said, "Funny. You don't really look like either of them." Senator Weselton had a nose like an axe-blade jutting from his round head and a hairpiece only a little more convincing than Donald Trump's combover. His wife had oversized eyelashes, and the sort of angular face and body that must've looked fashionable when she was younger, but now made her look like an animated mummy.

"They're not my birth parents, but they are my parents. They raised me since forever."

Anna reflected for a moment. _What kind of strings would you have to pull to adopt a blonde, blue-eyed baby?_

When they met the Weseltons, Elsa gave them each a warm hug. "And who's this?" asked the Senator, as he shook Anna's hand.

"Dad, Mom, this is Anna O'Randall, a friend from school." His smile stayed on his face but left his eyes.

Anna put on a big grin. "Elsa was kind enough to let me look at some politics up close, and I'm along to give her someone to talk to while you're doing senator stuff."

He seemed reassured. As Anna said hello to Mrs. Weselton, Elsa leaned in to her father and whispered, "We're just friends. It's okay."

"As long as you don't make a fuss."

As Elsa and Anna walked away, Anna whispered, "Your dad's really hard to read. I still couldn't tell what he thought about me being with you. I mean, he thought for a second I was _with_ you, so I acted all hetero — "

Elsa hid a giggle behind her hand. "Thank you."

" — but I couldn't get a read on him. You know what I mean?"

Elsa nodded. "I know exactly what you mean."

"So, politics aside, you still don't know if he supports you or not?"

Elsa shook her head.

Anna took her hand and pulled Elsa into a u-turn. "Come on." She marched Elsa back to her father. Mrs. Weselton was a couple of yards away, talking to a television reporter. "Senator Weselton, could I have a word with you and Elsa? In confidence?" Elsa glared at her, and her father looked flustered. "I'll be discreet. I have been for weeks."

Irritated and nervous, he leaned in and spoke softly. "Here? Now? What is it?"

"Don't worry, I promised Elsa I would be on my best behaviour, and I will be. But you're scared that she and I are a couple. Well, I wish we were, but we haven't done more than touch elbows, because she respects you, god knows why. Frankly, it's making me crazy, but I do it because I completely support her, and I love her." They were all startled by the admission, but Anna barrelled on. "But supporting and loving is your job. She'll put up with a lot for your political career and so will I, god help me, but as a dad you have to let her know. Do you accept her? As she is? All of her? You can say 'yes', you can even say 'no', but she is not the press. You cannot waffle with her. And I'm going to walk away because this is between you and her, and you can be as fucking discreet as you have to be. If you want me, I'll be getting some crappy coffee in a paper cup."

Anna turned, walked away, and didn't look back.

Minutes later, Elsa joined her at the refreshment table.

"Elsa, I wasn't kidding, that coffee sucks." Anna waited for her to speak.

Finally, Elsa said, "Nothing."

"Seriously? Of course, seriously. You're Elsa. You're always serious. Even when you shouted pe…. word in the library, you were serious."

"Let's sit down. He's announcing his run for governor in a minute."

"He what?"

"Oh, like it's a big surprise. He'd probably put his hat in the presidential ring if it wasn't overstuffed already."

Elsa trudged to the seat saved for her, well-lit and ready to be filmed for reaction shots. An aide vacated the seat beside her to make room for Anna. They sat quietly for a minute, Anna worried, Elsa glum, as close to slouching as she ever came.

The room quieted, ready for the senator to come to the podium.

Elsa sat a little straighter. She leaned towards Anna and whispered: " _Vagina._ "


	2. The Vagina Problem

Elsa and Anna walked down the tree-lined street arm in arm, scuffing through the fallen leaves and snuggling against the autumn chill. "Mmm, you are so warm," said Elsa.

"You don't like the cold? I didn't know that. I guess I'd better hold you a little closer." Anna unlinked her arm and wrapped it around Elsa. "It, um, wasn't a bad idea walking here, was it?"

"Oh, I like the cold. But I _love_ the warmth. And the softness." She leaned in close. "And the kissies."

She was about to kiss Anna's cheek, but one of the three guys on the opposite sidewalk spotted her. "Hey! Vagina girl!" he shouted. Startled, and a little scared, she looked over at them, but they were all waving and smiling. "Way to go!" said one, and "Say 'vagina'!" said another.

Elsa sighed, and shouted "Vagina!" back to them. They whooped, waved again, and went on their way.

Once they were well past, arm in arm again, Anna asked, "Has that been happening a lot?"

"Off and on."

"You okay? You looked a little scared."

"Yeah." Elsa sighed again. "I shouldn't complain. I've been pretty lucky. Everyone's been supportive, so far. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Anna scuff-kicked the leaves as they walked. "Your dad seems to be doing okay."

After Elsa had outed herself at his press conference, he found the courage to stand up for her right to live and love as herself. He was dropped by his party, but between an angry Republican candidate and a lackluster Democrat, his well-intentioned if mildly baffled demeanour (and the viral videos from the press event) had made him a viable independent candidate.

"Yeah, he is." Elsa blinked; it wasn't just the autumn breeze making her eyes tear up. "He said he was proud of me, and he loved me just the way I am."

"And how does he feel about me?"

"Well, he was hoping for someone in pre-law or business, but if he can accept a gay daughter he can accept an arts-major daughter in law."

Anna froze on the spot, yanking Elsa around by their linked arms. "Elsa? Are you…?"

"No, no! God, this is our second outside date! And that's if you count that first time at The Beanstalk. I just meant, you know, we could — might — be theoretically. Potentially. Possibly." The panic in her face turned to hopefulness. "Maybe? At some point?"

Anna pulled some windblown strands of hair out of her mouth and smiled at her. "Maybe. At some point."

She was about to lean in for a kiss when two girls who had been walking the other way burst in on them. "Ohmigod! You're Vagina Girl! See, 'Rory? I said it looked like her."

"It _is_ her! And her girlfriend!"

Elsa's face was professionally blank. "We do have names, you know."

"Oh, of course! I'm Ariel, and this is Aurora, we call her Rory. And you're Elsa and…"

"…Anna," whispered Aurora.

"…you're Anna! Can we take a photo?" Before Elsa could answer, Ariel had put herself between Anna and Elsa, holding out her phone, and Aurora ducked in behind. "Selfie! Say 'vagina'!"

 _flash_

"Ohmigod, guys, you two are just the best! And we're so proud of you! I mean, not that we're, you know, but yay you! Bye!" And the two girls blew away like a pair of autumn leaves, if leaves had a high-pitched giggle.

After a long pause, Anna said, "Wow."

Elsa responded, deadpan. "Yeah. Wow."

"And that's been happening…"

"Pretty much every minute since the news came out."

"Oh shit. If I'd known, I'd've driven us here. Or we could've stayed in."

Elsa started walking — marching, really — towards the restaurant. "The whole point was that I was sick of hiding. I'm not going to start hiding now. I'm not letting them take this pleasure away from me."

"Myeah, 'cause you're having so much fun now."

Elsa glared at her.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Elsa." Anna stood in her path, stopping her, and put her hands gently on Elsa's arms. "I didn't mean to make fun. Okay, strictly speaking I did mean to make fun, but not in a mean way." She stroked Elsa's cheek. "I'm sorry this is turning out to be such a big pain for you. You didn't ask for this, and you don't deserve it."

They resumed walking, or in Anna's case kick-scuffing, without talking. Simply being there for each other.

"Anna?"

"Yeah?"

"I think it's adorable the way you're enjoying the season, but I swear if you wind up kicking the back of my ankle…"

"You'll do what?" said Anna, smirking.

"I'll…I don't know." Elsa looked at her sideways. "I'll make you carry me."

"Hey, just because I like the weight of you on top of me doesn't mean I can actually lift you."

"Anna!" Elsa tried to look shocked, but she couldn't stop the grin bursting through her façade. "You stinker!"

"And here I thought you liked the smell."

Elsa gasped, and started pelting Anna with leaves.

After a brief leaf fight, Anna said, "C'mon, we're nearly there. Let's make you look respectable. The Heliotrope is a classy joint, after all." They brushed leaf-flakes off each other. "A classy joint for a classy lady."

"Vagina!" shouted a man who had just come out of the entrance of the restaurant.

"I got this," whispered Anna, and put herself between Elsa and the single guy.

"Hey, I know, right?" she said to him. "She looks just like her. We're cosplaying as Elsa and Anna." He looked over Anna's shoulder at a glum Elsa. "She's not really so much into it. But the resemblance is uncanny, isn't it?" He looked at the two of them, uncertain. "Look, just like real lesbians!" and she kissed Elsa passionately. "See? Anyway, gotta go. Vagina!" She waved, and led Elsa briskly to the restaurant entrance.

"That was…" said Elsa. "What the hell was that?"

"I thought I'd give it a shot. I figured I'd run interference, give you a break."

"I don't know if it was better. It was different." Elsa picked a last fragment of leaf from Anna's hair. "I could get used to the kissing."

The Heliotrope was a quiet restaurant in a Victorian house, and was indeed "classy," without being annoyingly pretentious. Elsa and Anna sat at a small round table, too interested in each other to focus on their menus. "I mean, that cosplay thing was fun, but what I really want is for people to not make a fuss."

"Yeah, I know." Anna nodded vigorously. "The whole point is that you and I being in love — " Anna stopped as Elsa choked on the water she was drinking. "Wait, are you okay?" Elsa nodded, coughed, and swallowed some water to soothe her throat. "Was I out of line? Is that too soon?"

"No," said Elsa. "At least I don't think so. I mean, you have mentioned that you love me, in passing, like when you were talking to my dad. Lecturing him, actually, so maybe you were…amplifying…for rhetorical effect. But we really have — I feel like we have — this connection. And I think I feel that way about you, I'm pretty sure, and it's something I've wanted to say, but we've never, formally…that is — "

"Excuse me," said a middle-aged woman in a white fur coat speckled with black spots, leaning on their table. "Aren't you the girl who said — " She lowered her voice. " — 'vagina' — on television?"

Anna bit down hard on a breadstick to keep from saying anything. Elsa rubbed her hands over her face, sighed from the depths of her soul, and said, "Yes. That was me. I am the notorious Vagina Girl."

Somehow immune to the Snape-level condescension and contempt Elsa was radiating at her, the woman took out her phone and went on. "Would you mind terribly? If I could just get a video of you saying 'vagina', that would be absolutely wonderful. I would be _so_ grateful."

I would be so grateful if you'd mind your own damn business and leave my girlfriend alone, thought Anna.

Elsa muttered "Vagina, vagina, vagina," under her breath. Then suddenly she sat up straight, and smiled broadly at the woman. "A video, you say?" The woman nodded. "May I?" Elsa held out her hand for the phone, and the woman handed it to her. Elsa tapped the screen intently. "You have data, right?" The woman nodded, puzzled. "Ah." Elsa gave the screen a final tap and handed the phone back to the woman.

At maximum volume, the phone broadcast:

Male voice: "Siri, what's my name?"

Siri: "You're Tom, but you asked me to call you vagina vagina vagina vagina vagina…"

while displaying an image of a man dancing maniacally to Siri's voice. The video looped, and continued looping as the panicking woman tried to remember how to turn it off.

"I think we may have something here," said Elsa, as Anna grinned, and bookmarked the vine on her own phone.

[Hat tip to Tom Vrab and his vine for the inspiration.]


End file.
